… a breath, an awareness, at a time.

And right now? I have faith in the slow progress… waves may go up and down, but I seem to still be moving forward.



When is something romantic, and when is it coercive?

I ask this as both a recipient, and as a giver, of these acts.

It’s being hard for me to tell right now which is which. I do not think coercion, in this case, is always conscious.

My Forms

I thought folks might want to see my daily and weekly forms. My “week” runs from Tuesday to Monday, since Tuesday is when I see Ines, my therapist. This lets me bring in one bundle, and debrief with her using the events/notes section at the bottom, quickly look over sleep regularity, etc.



I have to remind myself that if I don’t check off all of the bubbles, it is okay. It’s about trying, a bit every day. Some days I am more solid than others. Just write it down, keep trying.

The Wave…

“I was a teenage boy, nervously trying to tether my surfboard to my ankle, knowing that I have flown off the board a few times today alone. My hands are shaking as I look out at the huge waves. When I get atop those waves, I feel amazing, literally on top of the world. But then I crash. Over and over again. Sometimes I can’t even get up on those waves, but that high when I am up there is so palpable. There is a knowledge in the back of my spine that I just don’t have the skillset to ride these waves with grace. That they are a force of nature, and that there is nothing wrong with the fact that as a teenager, gaining these skills, that I might not have those skills at this time.

Now, what to do with that information.”

So… this is where dream interpretation gets tricky.
1) Stay on the big waves, as much as they hurt, and keep trying no matter what.
2) Get onto lower waves, perfect skills, move up to larger, repeat.

Do I learn skills by continuing to ride the big waves? Or do I back down, and realize that right now, I am at the place and time in my life where I have to use check-lists to even remember to shower some days?

Yesterday, my partner and I talked for hours. Amidst it all he said that it was hard for him that some days I really was as helpless as a child, and others was my strong and confident self. It scares me too.

But at the same time, I do this happy dance because my new checklist forms rock and are helping me. Then the flipside comes and I am sad that I need checklist forms.

The dance.

The wave.