So, Cat posted her 18 month weight drop from a 16/18 to a 4/6.
I had already gained weight to about 215 when I had gone into inpatient, but the meds pushed me up to 240. In the last year and a half, a lot of it based on getting off of those meds, I am down to about 190. I set a goal for myself a while back of trying to get to 180 by the end of 2013. I am faithful I can do this, and even head towards my next goal of being able to do a pull-up.
I have been thinking about my concern watch-signs:
- Compulsive eating
- Being in PJs all day/not getting dressed in clean clothes
- Sleeping all day
- Not making the bed
- Not taking meds
- Eating only super-simple foods/junk food
I know those ones. I have started a mini-calendar to track most of these, but not the food one. Unsure if I want to – I get too focused/obsessed, but I want to get myself back on track about not compulsively eating sweets. Really, I need them not to be in the house. I have already asked my partner to declare all of the soda theirs, and that I need to ask permission if I can have some. I think I will do the same about the candy that is here.
In all honesty, I am mad about the candy. I had asked before to not have candy in the house that I could snack-grab. So what do they do for easter? Buy literally bucket-loads of candy. When both of us have said we want to loose weight. I feel like in them food-comforting themselves in times of stress, they have taken me back on that habit path as well.
And yet, when they said they wanted to go mostly vegetarian, and they broke that and have gone back to eating a lot more meat, I have stayed. I need to figure out how to be healthily self-centered.
Last night, after the computer died and before I wanted to sleep, I pulled out a few books to flip through. Self-visualizing what you want was one of them, the other on self-compassion.
I cried. Because I am not really sure what I want. I feel like there are so many competing ideas, and I am frozen.
I am trying to step out of the frozen, even if I’m unsure which way to go.
There are tools to work with and work on.
One breath at a time.
OH! And small/big celebrations – I did DMV, 2 food stamp offices, a call to social security, bought some bus tickets and a trip to my cable place today, with only the most minor of stress-induced behavior while out in the world. I overate some when I got home, but yeah, doing anything related in that direction literally used to cause hysterics a year and a half ago, so small/big celebration.