Working On Tools

So, Cat posted her 18 month weight drop from a 16/18 to a 4/6.

I had already gained weight to about 215 when I had gone into inpatient, but the meds pushed me up to 240. In the last year and a half, a lot of it based on getting off of those meds, I am down to about 190. I set a goal for myself a while back of trying to get to 180 by the end of 2013. I am faithful I can do this, and even head towards my next goal of being able to do a pull-up.

I have been thinking about my concern watch-signs:

  • Compulsive eating
  • Being in PJs all day/not getting dressed in clean clothes
  • Sleeping all day
  • Not making the bed
  • Not taking meds
  • Eating only super-simple foods/junk food

I know those ones. I have started a mini-calendar to track most of these, but not the food one. Unsure if I want to –  I get too focused/obsessed, but I want to get myself back on track about not compulsively eating sweets. Really, I need them not to be in the house. I have already asked my partner to declare all of the soda theirs, and that I need to ask permission if I can have some. I think I will do the same about the candy that is here.

In all honesty, I am mad about the candy. I had asked before to not have candy in the house that I could snack-grab. So what do they do for easter? Buy literally bucket-loads of candy. When both of us have said we want to loose weight. I feel like in them food-comforting themselves in times of stress, they have taken me back on that habit path as well.

And yet, when they said they wanted to go mostly vegetarian, and they broke that and have gone back to eating a lot more meat, I have stayed. I need to figure out how to be healthily self-centered.

Last night, after the computer died and before I wanted to sleep, I pulled out a few books to flip through. Self-visualizing what you want was one of them, the other on self-compassion.

I cried. Because I am not really sure what I want. I feel like there are so many competing ideas, and I am frozen.

I am trying to step out of the frozen, even if I’m unsure which way to go.

There are tools to work with and work on.

One breath at a time.

OH! And small/big celebrations – I did DMV, 2 food stamp offices, a call to social security, bought some bus tickets and a trip to my cable place today, with only the most minor of stress-induced behavior while out in the world. I overate some when I got home, but yeah, doing anything related in that direction literally used to cause hysterics a year and a half ago, so small/big celebration.

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Verge

I can’t seem to shake this feeling of being on the edge.

Today I was set to wake at 8am, and got up at noon. My partner asked me lovingly twice, at different hours, but I just refused to face the world. I have had over the nights this week be over 10 hours. Many up to 12. I got up and holed up. I have done a small dent in my work, but no where near where I wanted to be by the end of this weekend. Every act and thought feels like being on the edge of an emotional spill-over.

Walking helped. But that only held for about 30 minutes after I got back. I did not shower today, did meds late (4hrs am, 2hrs pm), and dressed in pre-worn clothes. It’s, depressing.

I also managed to get lovingly talked into working an event unpaid. I am partially excited, partially upset at myself. I decided to do it because:

  • It is at a venue I have wanted to see for years (Easton Mountain)
  • I had an amazing conversation with the event organizer, who I want to meet
  • I have this ningling sensation I am supposed to go

I hate not being able to tell if that is a tap-in from Bear that I am supposed to go do stuff. It is not a clear work-light as it were, as a spirit worker. I am frustrated though because I set a limit of 1, maybe 2, pro-bono events a year. This will make 3. All before August.

My schedule has me scared, now that it is all laid out. I am unsure whether to breathe and feel that yeah, I can do this… or that I bit off more than I can chew. I can’t tell. I officially cancelled my writing contract for a company I was doing articles for 1-2 times a month. I just couldn’t hold up to deadlines, or their editorial style. The deadlines especially. So I cancelled the last check (to retain rights from an article), and sent them the formal letter.

My belly is in knots.

I am trying to think of the work I did today. Updated my website calendars, booked tickets, did some emails, replied to some FL emails, sorted out tomorrows plans, sent out requests for funds for gifting leathers to Greg, . Not alot to speak of. It is hard not being so mad at me.

Mad does not help. I know that. And yet, here I am.

The stack is set for the morning. Food stamps, DMV, Social Security main office and cable company tomorrow daytime. I have all the addresses, all the documents, I think I can do all of this. I have some concern about stress level.

Why the hell did this all come back. Why am I back to basics. I am as bad, I think, as I was only a month or two into program. I am so terrified that I will be like this for the rest of my life.

So I pause.

Grab stuff for the morning.

Take a step at a time.

Crappy place to be

Today has been a few rounds of hard.

My partner saw my “Love shouldn’t hurt” button on my bag while we were on the subway. It turned into a kink v abuse conversation, which led to them saying it was a slippery slope. That if one or both parties is unhappy, etc… and that just because we are afraid of abandonment doesn’t make it right to stay. I yet again find myself sitting with whether (a) I am an abuser, given how bad many of the things I have said to them over the years have hurt/hit home (b) whether I am in a bad state myself as someone not getting my own needs met.

Round 2 of this came up when they and I had a text series. They don’t feel they are being a “partner” lately. I asked about how that could be worked on or assisted… and its just a mess.

Basically, as I look at it, I knew I was signing up to have my partner’s primary partner be grad school, and me be secondary. My partner was mad at this language and that insinuation, but the reality is here and it is true.

I came home, and ate and drank. And ate some more.

I slept 12+ hours last night. I know I don’t do well when I do that, but I feel like I can’t shake it. I get 5-7hr, I am good. Or I sleep half the day and I am wasted.

And, when I sleep, my med schedule is fucked.

So I am sitting here, in this moment, feeling like an under-productive, over-eating, abuser in an unhappy relationship.

Not the best place to be.

I will go walk the dog. See if it helps.

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